Life: Help!
“Help! When I was younger, so much younger than I today. I never needed anybody’s help in anyway. But now these days are gone. I’m not so self-assured … .”
- Help! - The Beatles (1965)
I was at the gym doing a workout. I had my earbuds in and my playlist for the day on my phone. The Beatles song “Help” came up … “Help! I need somebody. Help! Not just anybody. Help! You know I need someone. Help! When I was younger, so much younger than I today. I never needed anybody’s help in anyway. But now these days are gone. I’m not so self-assured … .” I paused and thought, “Damn, this song is so relevant.”
This song was released in 1965. I’m a dinosaur – I was born three years before it came out. The “voice” of the 60’s was asking for help … and they were at the top of their game when they wrote this song. It happens to everyone. Life doesn’t care if you are in the low of lows or when you seemingly are at the top of your game, we all still need help.
Leap ahead nearly 60 years to 2023 … how many of us can relate to this song today?
Life is hard. It’s what we learn as we go through the process of living. But it’s okay for life to be hard. It brings value to it. But here is the problem, too many people are being stopped by the hard times. They are getting stuck.
The “Duke”
The biggest problem is that too many of us have a “John Wayne attitude” about asking for help; “If I ask for help, they’ll think I’m weak, so I’ll suck it up and push on.”. We don’t want to seem too needy. We want to act like we are bulletproof.
I know this because I fall into this syndrome. I missed three days of school from elementary school through high school. And that was only because my appendix nearly burst when I was a sophomore at MCHS. Even though I was in severe pain I still went to school until I couldn’t walk upright. When they got me into surgery the doctor said that only some thin tissue held the appendix together (I still have the scar). I nearly John Wayne’d myself into a much more serious problem.
A lot of us have this need to just “walk it off”. And in most cases, we’re successful. The truth of the matter is that we need to me smarter about our health issues. If things aren’t right … get them right. This is easy to do when it’s a physical issue. When something hurts and there is no “reason” for it to hurt, or the pain has persisted for too long, go have a trained professional look into it. It could be nothing, but it could be something. Better safe than sorry.
What about if you just don’t feel right, not physically, but you just don’t feel like yourself? Things are getting harder to handle. Stress is causing you to be more irritable. You can’t sleep. Everything is different. Your thoughts are not your own. When you can’t stop what you are doing or you can’t get started. Things begin to spin out of your control. This is when it could be really dangerous.
This is why it is vital to know who we are. We need to know what is normal so that we will know when we are drifting off our course. This is also when it is important to have our support team around us.
Find Your Who
In most cases we are not able to feel the “drift”. Sometimes we are too close to our own lives to see or feel when we are spinning out of control. This is where we need to have people around us that we trust to keep us on our path.
With this in mind let me ask a simple question: When you get stuck WHO is your “helping hand”?
Who is there to pull you back to the surface when life gets too deep? Who is there to listen to you? Who is there to give you that 30-second hug that allows you to re-set? Who has your back? Who knows your course so that they can feel or see you drifting and ask the question, “Are you okay?”
This is important so I’m going to repeat it, who is your WHO?
The ones that are there that will just listen to you. They are the ones that do not judge or try to top your story. The ones who just say, “Yeah, I understand you are hurting and I’m here for you.”
No one is immune to those moments. We all have those moments, those hours, days, weeks that we just can’t get into our rhythm. We can’t string together a few wins to get some momentum going. We don’t need to be embarrassed. Sometimes we just need a hand. Not a pill. Not a referral. Just a chance to air out our problems, and not be judged.
The cool thing is that your WHO are around you. The one’s who lift you. The one’s who support you in your dreams. The one’s who ask you the right question. The one’s who think you are amazing, even though you’re not sure that you are. The ones who are willing to tell you the truth, that you might not want to hear. These are your “quarters”. Those who have great value in your life when compared to all the pennies that are around you that only add more baggage to your life.
Find the quarters, in your life, and lean into them. They are a tremendous source of inspiration and caring. Some of my quarters I talk to every day. Others once a week. Some once in a while. But the thing I know about all of them is if I needed them NOW, they would be here yesterday!
Who’s NOT Your Who
I use the quote by Al Capone, “I’d rather have four quarters than a hundred pennies” to describe those who are your true friends and those who are just acquaintances. Think about what Capone said, both four quarters and 100 pennies add up to a dollar. But which one do you want to carry around in your pockets? Exactly.
The pennies in your life are those who are takers. They add nothing but always want something. When you are talking, they aren’t listening, they just waiting for you to take a breath so they can tell you how they would do it better than you.
Instead of helping you get rid of the garbage that has piled up in your life, they only want to dump their baggage on you.
Instead of cheering you on they try to slow your roll. They do this because they begin to see that you are becoming successful, your life is moving forward, whereas theirs has stagnated. They’re afraid to be left behind, so they hold you back
Figuring out who you WHO is takes time. Become a “watcher”. Notice how your friends react to your successes. If they only see it as an advantage for them, then they are a penny. If they are excited for you and ask, “So, now what?” They are pushing you forward along your journey.
If they go dark when you are struggling then you know to move them out of your circle. This happens in athletics a lot. When a player no longer is able to bring the extras, those who they thought were friends stop texting and calling. They see no value in connecting with you. In a sense, they have picked you clean, so they will move on to their next “sucker”.
Keep you quarters close and get rid of your pennies.
Finding Help
When we finally understand that we have a problem, it is hard to describe what we are thinking or why we are doing what we are doing. This is when you need to go see your doctor. They won’t think you are weak. They will make sure you are on the path of healing. When we seek out the help, we need we can prevent the whole roof to come down on us, figuratively speaking.
I was in the coaching / teaching profession for 35-years. During that time, I was introduced, and became emersed in a culture of people who had struggles in their life, greater than the ones that they had on the field. It may have been the way they were brought up. It may have been difficulties dealing with the failures. It may have been failures of people around them that caused them pain.
You would be surprised about the number of athletes who struggled more with the successes than the failures. I am not a licensed clinician. I found a lot of these guys just needed some one to listen to them that they felt safe with.
My door was always open. I would be working on something and an athlete would come in and sit down. I never asked him what he wanted or what was wrong. I usually started the conversation with a football question. I am the King of Stupid Questions. I always have something that I need to know more. When we started talking, the conversation would go in one of two ways.
Either it was just a general shoot the sh^t conversation or I might get a feeling that something wasn’t right, that they had come to me for more than a place to sit down.
When I had the feeling that there was something deeper to their visit I would eventually come to a point where I would tell them some way that I had failed. I have so many to choose from in my life it wasn’t difficult. They would invariably top my issue with their own. This would open the door to what was really bugging them. Once the door had been opened, they would then fill in the space of what they were trying to deal with.
These types of conversations could go in two ways also. Sometimes, during the process of telling their story, or sharing their scar, there would come a moment of light. I could see it cross their face. The athlete would sit up a little more and the light would come into their eyes.
Other times the was no light. This is when I would give them my “anti-John Wayne approach” talk. I would suggest that they needed to take their problem to some one who could help them more than I could. Usually this met with some resistance. But eventually we would come to an understanding that this was what was best for the athlete.
I can’t count how many times a player came back and told me how much he appreciated me leading them to the help that they needed.
It wasn’t about having all the right answers, it was about caring enough to listen. To be open about how human we all are. That we all have problems. That it’s okay to ask for help.
Caring
The thing that was missing with those who came in to talk was that they didn’t feel that anyone cared about them or their problem. They felt like they were all alone. They didn’t see the future was anything more but the same thing, just a different day. And that things seemed to be getting worse.
It’s not hard to listen. Sometimes just letting them talk helped them heal. They were allowed to let some of the pressure out. They found someone who would listen and not judge them. They needed just to know that someone cared. Not for whatever number was on their jersey, but to care about the person inside that jersey. We all have this power. We just need to be open to those around us might need a sympathetic ear.
How Can I Help
We all can make a difference in someone’s life. Start with a smile. It’s not hard. It doesn’t cost you anything, but it might make a world of difference in someone else’s life. When you smile, you’re telling others that they’re okay. That you appreciate them. It’s one of the strongest non-verbal messages that we possess.
If you’re at work a “pat on the back”, or a heartfelt “great job” goes a long way to lifting someone. Make it real. Make sure you are looking them in the eye. A passing compliment doesn’t have the same effect that a “true” compliment does. Too many employees live in the mindset that no one care what they do. Make sure you touch all those around you with an uplifting comment. It isn’t hard. It just takes an effort on your part. Put it is time well spent.
This also happens at home. When is the last time you told someone in your life that they are amazing? And really meant it? Too many times we are quick to correct and slow to care. Our significant other may think they are being taken for granted. All to often children who don’t feel appreciated at home will either act out to get attention or will find some one else to give them the attention they need. Spend time with your family and let them know how important they are. At the end of an evening giving someone a hug and letting them know you value them (“love you) and care about them, will bring a family together.
I remember when my son was young. He took after his dad in his drawing ability. All of his drawings of people were A-frame people with stick arms and stick legs. But when he brought home some art, it went on the refrigerator, we even have framed “masterpieces” by our son. We still have a storage container of all his “art work”. The reason why we “loved” his art was because we didn’t want to crush his artistic or creative side. And it worked. He still can’t draw to save himself, but he is amazing with a camera. Our house is full of his amazing eye for balance and his ability to see the “unseen” (things the casual observer might miss) through his photography. Had we crushed this side of his development, he may have thought to himself, “I’m no good at art or creativity.”
You have the same ability with those around you. Be a QUARTER and lift those around you with your words and your gestures. Tell them the truth that they need to hear, doesn’t mean that you crush them. Notice when your friend is not acting like your friend. In the end your truth-telling needs to keep them on their path to being a better person.
As for you … it’s okay to ask for HELP!
