Own It: It's Your Fault
“So, when your eulogy is being read with your life’s actions to rehash, would you be proud of the things they say about how you spent your dash?”
- Linda Ellis (The Dash)
Own It: It's Your Fault
So, when your eulogy is being read with your life’s actions to rehash, would you be proud of the things they say about how you spent your dash? – Linda Ellis (The Dash)
One of the most complex truths to accept is that the person you see in the mirror is ultimately responsible for where you are today. This realization can be both empowering and daunting. It prompts us to reflect on our choices—good and bad—and to recognize that we hold the reins of our destiny.
I’m reading Adam Moss’s book The Work of Art. One of the creative people he interviewed, Maria de Los Angeles, said something noteworthy: “There are two people you are. You are the person that you currently are. And then there is a person that you imagine yourself to be.” She goes on to say that the older we get, the closer we get to our ideal, or the farther away our ideal fades, the more we settle into who we are at that moment.
I started to ponder the idea that we have the choice to either be who we are or continue to move forward to be that ideal person we hold in our minds. I first thought about my quarters, family, and friends to understand what led some to success and others to constantly be chasing their ideal life. I began to see a definite pattern.
I then moved my search to a broader circle to encompass the people I had relations with in a work setting, the teachers, players, coaches, and administrators. After a couple of weeks, I was able to distill my thinking into five choices that either led people on their ideal path or onto a tortuous, rocky narrow road with pitfalls and landslides. The five defining choices were: Decision Making, Relationships, Focus, Work Ethic, and Resilience. These five shaped each person’s reality. By owning your choices, you empower yourself to create a brighter future.
The successful did not earn “A’s” on each criterion, but then again, they never had a total breakdown in any of the categories. Those who were always coming up short failed in one or more of the criteria.
The Power of Decisions
Bad Choices vs. Good Choices
Studies show us that we make around 35,000 decisions a day. Not twenty, not one hundred, but THIRTY-FIVE THOUSAND … A DAY!!! Decisions are the building blocks of our lives. Every choice we make, from simple decions, whether to wear black shoes or brown shoes, what to eat for breakfast, whether to send a text or not, all the way to game changing decisions such as what to study in school or which job offer to accept, has consequences that shape our paths.
Each decision we make will change the course of our day. I lost a great friend who decided to ride his motorcycle to work one morning rather than their car. I was told that going to USC from Tennessee was a bad decision because “USC is a sleeping giant and will never rise again. You’ll be out of a job in two years.” How did that turn out? How did I make that decision … keep reading?!?!
Good decisions, bad decisions, how do we know which is which in the heat of the moment?
When reflecting on negative experiences, it’s crucial to identify where poor choices led you astray. Perhaps you decided to go out for drinks rather than study for a certification exam. Maybe you opted to stay in a job that didn’t align with your passions or accepted a position that stifled your growth. Acknowledging these missteps allows you to learn and pivot.
Conversely, good choices often lead to growth and fulfillment. Ensuring your choices are win/win opportunities helps mitigate the chance of a crash-and-burn scenario. For example, investing your time in a career aligned with your interests can change how you go about your work. You may never become rich, but you will always be content with the work you get to do every day.
Here is the cool thing: Most of our choices can be overcome with good choices in the future. We can build on the first decision to either change direction or increase the speed at which we travel. The problem comes when we can’t get past our bad choices. We don’t step away; we think we can still make it work if we put more time, money, or effort into them. Admitting that we were wrong and changing how we will proceed in the future can be the next “good decision” we make.
Recognizing the power of choice helps reinforce the idea that circumstances may challenge us, but we always have control over our decisions.
When you have significant decisions to make, do you spin a wheel and hope for the best, or do you research the fallout of your choices? Do you ask anyone for help when making big decisions? Do the people you ask for help have a track record of making good decisions? If you’re unsure, read on; maybe the next topic will answer these questions.
The Power of Relationships
Peers vs. Mentors
The people we surround ourselves with greatly influence our lives. Negative experiences often stem from toxic relationships with peers who may lead us astray or foster unhealthy habits. I’ve always said there are two kinds of anchors in our life, the ones who stop us from crashing into the rocks and the ones who stop us from becoming who we are meant to be. We must learn who the people who come into our life are. Maya Angelou said it best: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
As a college and NFL coach, I often saw young people lose their fortunes by not moving away from the bad influences they grew up with. It’s hard to walk away from family and people who you once considered friends, but if they aren’t there to lift you to be a better version of yourself, they are there to take from you. They are the anchors that are holding you back.
On the other hand, friends and mentors who provide guidance and support can propel us toward success. They become the sails that push us forward. Always be in the market to sell your negative anchors and to buy the sails you will need as you move through life.
Al Capone, the Chicago gangster, was once asked how he chose people to trust, he responded by saying that he would, “Rather have four quarters than one-hundred pennies.” I have my quarters; they are the people I trust most. They know me, they know my strengths, and they know my weaknesses. They get no monetary value from being one of my quarters, so when they give me their advice, I know they come from a genuine place. They are trying to help me be better. They are there to give their wisdom. I am the least in my circle, and my quarters are all better than I am. Because of my quarters I have achieved all of my dreams thus far and am accomplishing goals on my way to achieving even more fantastic dreams.
Reflecting on your network can reveal much about where you stand today. If you are dead in the water with no prospect of moving forward, maybe you have too many anchors and not enough sails. Are you surrounded by individuals who uplift and inspire you? Or do you find yourself caught in cycles of negativity? By choosing positive influences—those who encourage growth rather than complacency—you harness the collective power of those around you. The Power of Decisions becomes much more manageable when surrounded by the right people.
The Power of Focus
Chase Your Passion
Every day, we are surrounded by opportunities to be distracted. Maintaining focus on what truly matters is vital for personal and professional growth. Negative experiences often arise from chasing societal expectations rather than pursuing genuine passions. This misalignment leads to becoming stuck, which is followed by stagnation, and finally, we die professionally.
On the flip side, when you chase your passion—whether through creative endeavors or career advancements—you cultivate a sense of purpose that drives perseverance and innovation. We move from a GOT TO mindset into a GET TO mindset, which allows us to focus on what is important and not get caught up in all the minutia that distracts us from what is vital for our continued advancement.
Too many wander aimlessly through life with no compass. Because of this, they lose sight of the long game, become bored, and give up on the work at hand. Finding your passion is as easy as asking yourself, “What can you get paid to do that you would do for free?” When you find your passion, your life will be full of Get To’s which will flatten all the Got To’s into mere speed bumps that you will get through every day without changing your speed or your forward movement.
Those who have found their passion never have bad days. Sure things won’t always go their way, but they will overcome those moments with the mindset of “things could be worse, I could be working in a real job.”
When we surround ourselves with the right people (Power of Relationships), we become laser-focused and make the best decisions possible (Power of Decisions). This allows us to focus on the right things, the present, and not on the wrong things, the past, so we can positively influence what will happen in the future.
Reassess where your focus lies: Are you trying to correct the past with decisions in the present? Are you trying to be a Jack of all trades? What is the shortest distance to obtain your passion? Are you focused on this or everything but this?
Power of Your Work Ethic
Controlling Your Effort
Your work ethic is a critical determinant of success in any endeavor. Negative experiences may stem from half-hearted efforts or an unwillingness to put in the necessary work to achieve goals. Laziness breeds mediocrity.
Positive experiences come from diligence and commitment. Whether burning the midnight oil for exams or going above and beyond at work, consistent effort pays dividends over time. Cultivating a strong work ethic builds character and positions you favorably for future opportunities.
Maybe you came from a world where you were given everything you wanted, told that you were amazing without having to do anything, and your boundaries changed daily with every misstep you took … Well, that’s not the real world.
If you are waiting for the world to conform to you, your life will be one disappointment after another. The way to change this is by rebuilding your work ethic. A strong work ethic is no more than showing up and doing the job you are getting, better than anyone else has ever done it.
Having a great work ethic is about physical and mental conditioning. First, you must continue to add more work to your daily schedule to be ready to shoulder the work that comes with being the best. As you are preparing physically for the climb to the top, your mind will need to understand the new rules. You see your mind will be telling you to stop or at least slow down. You must put this little voice in its place by telling it that to become who you have always dreamt of becoming, you will need to work harder than anyone has ever worked.
All of this is accomplished by deciding that you want to be the best (Power of Decisions). This decision will be rooted in your desire to be amongst your quarters (Power of Relationships). Nothing feels worse than watching someone you respected move beyond you when you know you can move with them. Because of this drive, you now are focused on chasing your passion (Power of Focus). All that is lacking is putting in the effort to make all of this come together; effort is one of the things you control.
Are you using all of your 86,400 seconds productively? Have you eliminated wasted time? How can you be better prepared for the work in front of you?
The Power of Resilience
Overcoming Life’s Challenges
Life inevitably throws challenges our way; resilience becomes essential during these times. Negative experiences can break us down if we allow adversity to define us. Recognizing that failure is not final but rather part of growth enables us to push through tough times.
Conversely, resilience fosters strength and adaptability. Learning from setbacks—not shying away from them—can transform challenges into stepping stones toward success. Embrace resilience as a powerful tool; it empowers you to rise above obstacles and take control of your narrative.
Randy Pausch tells us, “The walls are not meant to stop us, but rather, they are there to show how badly we want something.” I think this is profound. Not getting the prize you want on your first day in the office is not a reason to quit. It is just another day that you have learned how to or how not to do your work.
It took me eleven years to understand that I was the problem of not getting to where I was meant to be. Once I understood the problem, I took the steps to get back on the path. What was the path, you ask? I began to make the right decisions (Power of Decisions), with the help of my relationships (Power of Relationships), while keeping focus on my passion (Power of Focus) and learning how to do the work better than anyone else could (Power of Your Work Ethic).
I didn’t reach the top in one step, not hardly. I encountered several periods of hardship that have stopped 99.9% of the people with the same dream I had. They say the greatest gift that age gives us is perspective. As I climbed my ladder, I began to understand Pausch’s meaning, those hard times made me stronger and more driven. As I pushed through the “walls” I found I was better prepared for my next step, I was gaining answers to questions that I hadn’t been asked yet.
Accomplishing your goals and achieving your dreams is never easy. What is easy is allowing yourself to get stuck, stagnate, and then quit and be content with never becoming who you were meant to be.
That’s what most do. But you made it this far into my article. You are already ahead of 99.9% of those who only think they can be the best. You are the .1% because now you have the answers.
When things become a struggle, do you look for the exit? How long will you push to accomplish a goal? How long will you continue to move forward to achieve a dream? Knowing these answers will help you understand your resilience level. I chased my lifelong dream for 40 years… that’s how passionate I was about achieving that dream!
You Control Your Outcome
Ultimately, owning where you are in life begins with acknowledging the role of choice in shaping your journey. You have made good and bad decisions that have brought you here, but remember: YOU still possess the power to decide what happens next.
As you reflect on past experiences—be they negative or positive—recognize their lessons as integral parts of your story. Commit to making choices aligned with your values moving forward. Find meaningful relationships that inspire growth. Focus on what ignites your passion. Uphold a strong work ethic. And embrace resilience as a lifelong companion.
The mirror reflects more than just your face—it reflects potential waiting to be unlocked through conscious decision-making and ownership of one’s path forward. So take charge today and own your future!
Have an amazing day!
