Fighting Negativity
“Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution.”
– Albert Einstein
Negativity is the slayer of our dreams. When we are young, we have the ability to dream BIG. We dream big, until someone steps in and tells us the price. Instead of staying with the dream many will adjust their course. Then they dream big again, until someone steps in and tell them they’re not good enough. Some will listen to them. What’s worse is when they stop dreaming big because have stopped believing in themselves.
This happens in so many lives. We unconsciously or even consciously talk ourselves out of who we could be, because we’re afraid of what might happen. We also stop trusting in ourselves because we have stumbled a couple of times. We give up on our dreams because we picked up a few “scars” from falling from time-to-time as we chased our dreams.
But then we surround ourselves with people who amplify the negativity by reenforcing our own doubts. These negative messages, might come from random people who throw out insults and judgments, that should be meaningless. But because we have already started to dig our own holes we allow these throw-away-words to have meaning.
The most damaging form of external messaging comes from the people who we surround ourselves with. Negativity from this group is malicious and hits hard and hits deep. The people around us are supposed to love and care for us. “SUPPOSED TO”. That is the key term. Because they are “dressed” as family and friends. We become brainwashed and begin to believe that they are telling us the truth. In a way they are. They are telling us “Their Truth”. The truth that will allow them to manipulate who you are and how far you can go in your life.
It happens to everyone. It’s just the human condition. Let’s look deeper at the problem of negativity.
THE PERSON IN THE MIRROR
I’ll start with the most dangerous of the two messaging systems. Our Internal Messaging. The one we are in contact with 24/7/365. The voice we can’t get away from. Our own. In truth we should be our greatest cheerleader. The person who is 100% behind us. The person who knows exactly who we are and what we are capable of.
Studies show us that 80% of our self-talk are negative messages, which are repeated again and again. We provide more negative messaging, to ourselves, than any other source.
Before I give you the solution, let’s first look at why we give ourselves negative messaging.
Internal Negativism:
Fear of the Unknown: Many times, we close down the possibility of doing something that will move us down our path because we are afraid of the consequences. Let me give you an example of this. In dating we may be attracted to someone that we may believe is “out of our league”.
We push the narrative that this person would have nothing to do with us. We watch them walk across campus; they exude confidence. They tick all of our visual boxes. We have even been around them in a group context. They are intelligent and they share common likes and dislikes with us. But in our head, we can’t even talk to them because we don’t believe we are good enough. We build a scenario that if we were to talk to them, they’d probably look at us, laugh, and walk off.
We are afraid of what “might” happen. We have no way of knowing what will happen.
Let me ask you, what would happen if they did laugh and walk away?
My response would be … “So what? That’s a great lesson I learned. They didn’t have the same feeling I had, that’s life. I took a shot. The world didn’t stop spinning. Now I can move on with my life. There are almost 8 billion people on this planet … someone, somewhere will lean into me for the right reasons. Their loss!”
Consider the flip side. What if, just by chance, we didn’t make the first move, maybe, just maybe, they were waiting for us to trust ourselves enough to reach out and lean into them. Then what? If we never approached them, we would have never known. Don’t be afraid of what “might happen”. Move forward.
Take it out of the personal relations universe and run the same scenario in your professional world. You want to move into this profession but you don’t think you are qualified. It may be the job you always dreamt of. It’s your dream job. Same issue, before we even get to the interview and we talk ourselves out of it by doubting we are good enough. We end up staying STUCK in the same profession.
I you went to the interview what is the worse thing that could happen? You didn’t get the job. This could be the opportunity to ask them what you were lacking. You may find out what you need to have to be better prepared for the next opening. You took a shot and you learned.
In both scenarios we are the problem. We continue to slow our progress because we are afraid of what MIGHT happened.
The answer to preventing this from happening is to measure the possibilities of why we are holding ourself back on new possibilities. What is the legitimate worse thing that could happen? If it is not “life-ending” then take that step. If it doesn’t work out … life goes on. Go to Plan B.
Lack of Success in the Past: I was 33 – 77 – 1 in my first 11 years of coaching. I know all about having a lack of success in something that I had a passion for. I could have bailed on coaching all together and went into another profession. But, I didn’t. Instead of quitting I looked at who I was and the Crayons (Gifts / Talents that make me different). I came to find out that I was in the right profession, but in the wrong part of the profession. I was meant to be a coach, but not calling plays on the field. My crayons all pointed to being a strength coach. Once I got on the right path, things became easier.
It's easy to quit on ourselves when we’ve gone through some rough roads. Whether personal or professional. But we can’t let our past stop us from becoming who we were meant to be. Abraham Lincoln struggled in his early political career. He lost more elections than he won. He even had a business go bankrupt that he owned. He never gave up on who we knew he could be.
The thing that Lincoln did was to learn from each failed venture. He would re-examine his approach and why it didn’t work well for him. He would make changes and then move on. When he did win an election, he knew he was moving in the right direction.
I did the same thing. Not making the progress that I had hoped for didn’t change my dream of winning a Super Bowl. But learning from the past put me on the right path.
Where are you on your path? Are you hitting your goals (mile markers)? If not why not? Is it because you have struggled so you quit. You let your past stop you from chasing your dreams. Maybe change was “too expensive” for you? Maybe you would have to take a step back in order to take two steps ahead.
In the end your dream is the key. It took Lincoln most of his life to achieve his dream. It took me 40-years to achieve mine. How far are you into achieving yours? Will you let your past struggles stop you or will you make the necessary adjustments and be brave enough to continue your journey?
It comes down to YOU. Do you still believe in you? If you don’t who will? So, remember your dreams. Set your goals and believe in you.
The Truth: Sometimes we need to understand that no matter how hard we flap our arms … we won’t be able to fly. When we tell ourselves, “What am I doing, I’ll never be able to fly.” We need to come to the conclusion that we are just being truthful with ourselves. These negative messages are an attempt to stay alive. That’s why I added the criteria, above, that if it weren’t “life-ending” then proceed. But when it could be LIFE ENDING, we need to step back from the edge and reassess our goals and dream.
When our messaging tells us to beware of a person, a “new experience”, a risky venture where the worst thing that can happen is you end up dead, a victim, in jail, or homeless then this is just self-preservation stepping in. This is when negative messaging is helping us. We need to understand the difference.
TO THINE OWNSELF BE TRUE
Your next question is: How do we know what the negative message is trying to tell us? The simple answer is to KNOW YOURSELF. Knowing who you are is a process of asking yourself life moving questions and being totally truthful with yourself when answering them.
I have found that writing out the question and then answering it in writing gives me the best answers. It’s hard to lie to myself as I write. I will quickly run out of “answers” as I move farther away from who I know myself to be.
In my life when I have found myself spinning out of control, I was moving away from what was solid, what was anchored in fact. When I move back to who I was, I find the spinning slows and I begin to think clearer and see my truth more clearly.
I found this in coaching. I found this in my personal life. Every time I got away from being who I was supposed to be, I lost control. When I lost control, I began searching for reasons outside of myself.
In one of my early jobs, when I won, I would sit with friends, after the game, and enjoy their company. I was open to their ideas and perceptions. When I lost, I would go and drink by myself, rather than lean into people who could help. I leaned into my negative narratives.
This is why it took me over a decade to get on track. It wasn’t until I found my truth. Surrounded myself with my quarters. Prepared at the highest level. And filled my head with positive messaging that I became the coach, in my last 24 years of coaching, that I was meant to be with multiple championships and a best-selling book.
IT'S NOT ME – IT’S THEM
What happens if we are looking at the person in the mirror and we are on the right path, and we’re still not able to push ourselves past the sticking points?
Here is a simple exercise. Who are you hanging around?
Jim Rohn said that through the law of averages, we are the average of the five people we hang around with the most. Who are you allowing to be in your circle?
I had just finished a corporate keynote speech. A 20-something young lady came up to talk to me after I finished. She said that she was frustrated in her advancement along her path. She was a quick study. After five minutes I could tell she was ambitious, intelligent, motivated and was a worker. It was clear she wasn’t stopping herself.
So, I asked her, “Who do you spend your time with outside of work?
She told me she lived in an apartment with four other people. There was the recluse, the slob, the get-a-long gal, the negative-Nancy. This was her posse. Her “girls”.
I asked her if she was the average of her four roommates? She laughed. She said, they’re great friends, but they see life differently. I then made a hard statement, “If you want to be great you need to surround yourself with others who want to be great. Now, how do the other four roommates stack up?”
She was stunned, I had held a mirror out that she had never looked at. So I continued, “Can you live with a person who doesn’t add to your professional goals and just stays in her room? Do you need someone who is dumping their baggage and trash on you all the time? Do you need someone who is just happy to be included? Do you need someone who keeps telling you how bad you are and how you aren’t worthy of your dreams?”
She answered, “Of course not.”
I went for the kill, “But you allow these people to be around you as they hold you back from who you believe you can be. These people cling to you because you are their strength. You need to be around people who lift you because, in your daily life, there are too many negative avenues that provide external negativism. Social media, television, music and co-workers are bad enough, but when you come home and can’t turn off the negative messaging, you’re in trouble. And you will become frustrated.”
She looked at me and said, “You’re right. I’m looking for a new place to live tomorrow.”
Many are in this same predicament. We are getting negative messaging thrown at us from many different sources. This type of messaging can be nearly as damaging as our internal negativism. Let’s look at the different ways external negativism comes at us.
External Negativism:
Meaningless Comments: I heard a great comment the other day: “Never take criticism from someone you wouldn’t ask for advice.” Yet, we over react to that one piece of negativity, then we do all of the positive comments we receive in a day. This form of negativism is a huge road block along our path in life.
David Foster Wallace tells us, “You’ll worry less about what people think about you when you realize how seldom they do.”
Think about that. Someone tosses a “throw-away-comment” at you and you want to go to war. You forget all of the value you have built up, and you let one comment, about how tall you are, or aren’t, about how you work, or look or dress. This negativism is meaningless because we should know who we are. These comments shouldn’t affect you. But we let them.
In college and professional sports, the athletes are bombarded by meaningless negative and aggressive verbal attacks, every time they walk into an opponent’s stadium.
This is especially bad when they are walking in or out of the tunnel that leads to the locker room. How do they respond? They laugh at these people who think that their words will change how these guys think of themselves. The terrible part is that these “fans” (short for ‘fanatics’) will be yelling obscene comments with their children standing there watching mom and dad set the tone for their lives. (Now that’s child abuse!) These people who throw out the meaningless language are just trying to bring the athletes down to their level. Unhappy, uninspired, frustrated people who want to hurt another human being.
Take a page from the athletes: laugh at these people and their meaningless negativism. They are just are lashing out. Their words have are meaningless because they wouldn’t say it to our faces if we were in a room with them. They are just trying to lower your esteem. It’s the whole “Sticks and stones … but words will never hurt me” attitude. Instead of playing their game use the “I’m rubber and you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you” defense. It’s true. We know who these people are when they throw out a meaningless negative comment. We don’t need to be around them. But they need to live with themselves, which is the ultimate punishment!
Malicious Comments: These comments are more personal. They move from Meaningless to Malicious because we know who they are. These comments hit deeper. It’s the Negative Nancy or Negative Ned in our life that are constantly living up to Einstein’s quote: “Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution.”
Their negativity will cripple your aspirations. No matter what it is, they will go right to the negative aspect of your focus.
Here’s an example: You tell your negative entity: “I’m driving to the convention this weekend.” Their response, “You’ll probably get in an accident.” “It’s probably a waste of time.” “That’s a shady part of town, you’ll probably get mugged.” When you retort with, “Why are you negative all the time.” They’ll come back with, “Well it could happen.” And then they’ll give you some urban legend to back them up. They’re right. The world can come to an end tomorrow. But most likely not.
Is your safety the main reason for their comments or is there something more sinister?
When we read between the lines of their malicious comments, we find that they are always trying to hold us back. The reason. They’re afraid you’ll become successful. They’re afraid you will move past them and then leave them behind. They’re secure in their self-worth when you are at their same level. If you step up to your next level, it’s proof that they are not as good as you because they aren’t willing to put in the effort to move up with you.
Now the people you want to be with will respond like this when you tell them about going to the convention: “That’s great, can I go?” “Maybe you can get some face time with the company you want to join.” “Let’s all go together; it will be a great experience.”
Constantly measure the people around you. Find those who lift you. And those who are trying to hold you back, move away from them. Even if it’s family. Remind yourself their malicious comments are self-serving and aren’t meant to help you. You are on a completely different journey than they are.
·Helpful Messaging: Sometimes those around you that have negative messaging are actually telling you the truth.
In Move or Die I tell the story of golfing in Blytheville, Arkansas. It was a rough day for me.
Believe me when I tell you that there wasn’t much difference between a good day, and a rough day in my golf game. But like everything in my life I WANTED to be great.
One day the coaching staff went golfing. I was struggling. After the tough round Bill Ryan, a coach and a friend of mine, saw me sitting dejectedly in the golf cart.
He walked up and said, “Here’s my advice. Take your clubs and put them up for about a week.”
I thought there was going to be some Zen philosophy to follow, that’s kind of how Billy was.
And then he said, “And then after a week … sell them.”
We all laughed. He was telling me THE truth … he was right. The message was: “Hey, you’re not a good enough golfer to get upset by your game”.
In time I came to understand what he was saying. From then on, I just enjoyed being with my friends while we chased the little white ball around the course. It didn’t crush me when I put a ball two fairways over. I understood who I was. It was the truth. It made the game fun again.
It’s the same thing I told the 20-something young lady at the corporate event, I told her the truth. She needed to find people who challenged her and pushed her to be the best in her profession. She was at the point in her life that she needed more than just “drinking buddies” to push her to who she was meant to be.
THE KEY
The key to understanding and dealing with NEAGATIVISIM is to first of all understand who is being negative. If it is you, figure out why are you telling yourself these things. When you understand who you are then you will have better answers.
If the who is an outside voice, again, understand who they are. Are they some random voice or are they in your circle. If they are random, ignore them and move on. If they are close to you then you need to move away from their opinion if you understand their ‘why’.
In all cases the “why” will give you the answer that will make sense. Why would this person say this negative comment to me? Are they trying to help me or to hold me back. When you understand who they are and why they are telling you these things you will be able to make the correct moves.
Move away from negative messengers who are only out to slow your progress. Lean into those who are willing to tell you the truth that will allow you to accomplish all of your goals and achieve all of your dreams.
I saw a poster the other day. It said, “The devil whispered in my ear, “You’re not strong enough to withstand the storm.” Today I whispered in the devil’s ear, “I am the STORM.”
Move or Die … you decide!
